Things Don't Always Go According to Plan...

***Updated to add: Our c-section has been scheduled for 11:00 AM Monday morning. Please pray for a smooth delivery as well as speedy recovery for all.

Well, at least not our own plans. They never stray from the Lord's plans, and I am so grateful He holds the details of the universe in the palm of His hand.

It seems that the time is drawing close for our son to be born. At this week's appointment, the doctor noted that he has more fluid in his abdomen. This is beginning to form an unsafe pattern and the end result could be a baby with ruptured intestines and severe complications. The doctor performed an amniocentesis to check the maturity of the baby's lungs. The results came back today, and although his lungs are borderline fully mature, all the doctors involved with this pregnancy agree that it is in his best interest to deliver him next week. The extra few days will most likely give his lungs the time they need to further develop and will also ensure that the entire team of medical personnel we will need will be on hand to help all of us. Unfortunately, the baby will be delivered via c-section--something I really didn't want. But, I am trusting the Lord that this, too, is part of His plan and that this will ultimately bring Him glory.

We are making plans to enjoy these last few days with our girls. They will have the opportunity to meet their little brother and visit with me after he is born, but will then be whisked off for spoiling at grandma's house. Depending on the recovery process for the baby, they could be gone for a few weeks. Even typing those words brings tears to my eyes. The hardest part of all of this has been choosing to put the welfare of one child over all the others. Choosing to be separated from those dearest to you in order to care for another one who simply needs more. Again, though, we are trusting that this, too, will bring glory to God and is all part of His glorious plan of redemption.

It will be quiet here until after our son is born. I want to spend my time with my family and preparing my heart for the joy of meeting and knowing our son. My sweet husband will post photos and details of the birth late next week. If you feel led, please keep our family in your prayers and know that those prayers don't just change us, they will change you, too.

Blessings to you all!
Jen

Baby Henze Update--Week 34

Yesterday, we had a "regular" appointment (I hesitate to label them 'regular' because they are so different from our previous pregnancies) with my OB specialist as well as a consultation with the surgeon who will perform any necessary procedures on our son. At each visit, they do an ultrasound to check out baby boy's abdomen and the level of amniotic fluid around him. If either one increases or decreases, they make a note of it. Until yesterday, the levels and measurements had remained the same. Unfortunately, the size of the blockage in the baby's intestine has increased to about 3 cm. Apparently, that's on the large side. My OB said he would consult with his partner and the surgeon later in the day to determine whether we should be concerned at this point. The good news was that the amniotic fluid level is just perfect and my health is fine as well.

After our regular appointment, we met with the surgeon. Many of the doctors have spoken in ways that are a bit beyond my comprehension. This doctor was different and I appreciated his humility and willingness to field any and all questions we might have. He said that although we won't know what we are getting into until the baby is born, he understood that we might think of things closer to the birth that would require another meeting or phone call. That was reassuring to me. At the end of our conversation, he said that he and his staff feel it is the greatest honor or their lives to be entrusted with our most precious possession--our child. Well, that put this hormonal woman over the edge emotionally and I couldn't keep a few tears from escaping. It is good to know that he understands how hard it is for us to trust another person with our child's care.

Yesterday was the first time the reality of our situation started to really sink in. We can't really plan anything since we don't know what we are getting into. The entire situation is completely out of our control, and that's a hard reality for me. I like being able to have a say in what is happening and express my own personal opinions. But, this isn't about me. It's about our son and what is best for him. I think it's just hard to accept that being in my arms and our home won't be the best thing for him right away. In fact, many of the instinctive things that I selfishly want to have a say in, are things that would actually bring him harm. It's a tough thing to fight that mothering instinct and let someone else make decisions for our baby.

This week, if you feel led to pray, please pray that God would give me peace that He is in ultimate control, though I don't see all that He is working out on our behalf. Also, continue to pray for our son's healing and recovery. Please pray that the details of our life would be sorted out for the days and weeks we will need to care for a sick baby and three active, energetic girls. Lastly, please pray for protection against thoughts that are not healthy and comments from others, though well-intentioned, that are insensitive and discouraging. Oh, and again, that the Lord would be glorified in this all...even in my doubt and fear!

Thank You, Father, that I can come to You boldly and lay this all at Your feet. Thank You for knowing all, seeing all, being all. I trust in You. Amen

You Know The Pregnancy Hormones Have Taken Over When...

...watching the under dog win during the Olympics makes you cry. I mean "I-need-to-blow-my-nose" kind of crying.
...scrubbing the kitchen sink with three kinds of cleaners and four scrubbers doesn't make your sink "smell clean enough."
...you bump your head on a kitchen cabinet and want to throw a two-year-old style temper tantrum.
...your husband lovingly suggests that perhaps a different, less form-fitting outfit would be appropriate for the day and you disappear into the bathroom for 20 minutes to have a good, old-fashioned cry.
...same husband tries to make you feel better by offering to take you clothes shopping, albeit at a store known to sell clothing only for plus sizes (he didn't realize it wasn't a maternity clothing store), and you bite his head off for calling you "fat."
...when you realize the need to apologize for losing your temper with your husband, it involves a lot of weeping and Kleenex and general mayhem.

My poor husband. I think he must be considering moving into the garage for the remainder of this pregnancy! I can't say I blame him. Sometimes, I think I should move into the garage for the next month, so I can avoid these little emotional roller coasters. Then again, I'd probably end up crying about how beautiful the air compressor is or blame the table saw for my bad hair day.

Thank You, Lord, for a wonderful husband who keeps loving me through the daily ups and downs of being pregnant. Thank You for the miracle of this child. Help me to be in better control of my emotions and forgive me for the many times I've been completely out of control lately. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Baby Henze Update--Week 33

Now that we are having weekly appointments, it seems like we receive new or changing information more often. This week, we met with one of the OB specialists--or "oven mechanic" as he called himself--as well as a pediatric cardiologist and the neonatologist who will be caring for our son after he is born. (Did you get all those "ists?") It was a long morning and I was so grateful Charlie could be with me to help me listen to all that was being discussed.

My OB was pleased with how well the baby is progressing and how well I am doing. The baby doesn't seem to be suffering any abdominal swelling at this point, which is a good sign. All my numbers etc. were also good. My contractions are manageable with rest, so that is a relief. Every week we inch closer to my due date makes things safer and safer for this little guy.

The cardiologist did a very thorough ultrasound exam of the baby's heart and concluded that he has zero detectable problems. Another great piece of news as this contributes to the theory that the baby only has a problem in the bowel area.

We had a tour of the NICU. That part of our day was emotional for me. I didn't expect to be so affected by the environment we were in, but it was overwhelming to think that our son would be calling this part of the world "home" for a matter of days or weeks or even months. Although it is a bright, cheery place, it's also filled with monitors, warmers, IV stands, ventilators, and very sick babies. It became real to me that we would need this place. But, I don't want to need it...

We also met with the neonatologist who covered the basics of staffing for the NICU as well as possible things we might be encountering once our baby is born. That, also, was overwhelming. Even though he tried to be comforting and reassuring, there really is no comfort in the thought that your newborn is going to have to a number of procedures performed on him...no matter how minor they may be. One good piece of news is that unless the baby is born with respiratory issues or is unresponsive, we will be able to spend time with him in the delivery room for awhile before he is taken to the NICU for assessment. In my mind, I was imagining giving birth and not even being able to hold my baby as they whisked him out of the room!

At this point, two schools of thought exist concerning the baby's condition. First, there is the thought that he has what is called an atrisia (uh-tree-shah) in his large intestine. Basically, this is a blockage. Treatment for the blockage would involve removing that section of intestine and either re-attaching the intestine (if the section is small) or routing his intestine to a colostomy bag until the intestine can grow enough to be stretched for re-attachment. The second theory is that the baby simply has a duplication, or an extra section of small intestine that has attached itself to the regularly functioning intestine and is filled with fluid. Treatment for this would involve removing the duplicate piece and wouldn't affect his normal digestion and elimination. Obviously, besides praying for complete and total healing, we would rather be dealing with a duplication. It is less involved and the healing time would be significantly less, barring any complications or infections after surgery. Either way, he will need to remain in the NICU until he has healed significantly. Next week, we will meet with his surgeon to discuss in detail both treatment procedures as well as other issues. Really, the surgeon may not know exactly what we are dealing with until he is actually performing surgery. Not what a "need-to-know-details" mama wants to hear! But, the Lord knows and I know the Lord. So, when He wants to impart that information to me, He will. And I can live with that.

So, that's where we are this week. If you are led to pray, please pray along the following lines:
For complete and total healing of this baby boy.
For freedom of fear as we draw closer to his birth. That we could rest in the total peace that comes from knowing our God is faithful and always works for our ultimate good. Always.
For the details concerning the care of our girls during the baby's birth, surgery and recovery be worked out in advance.
For peace in our home in the midst of what could be stressful and tumultuous.

Thanks for praying for our family. The Lord bless you!

Music To A Pregnant Woman's Ears

After being pregnant four times, there are certain comments you come to expect throughout pregnancy--some welcome, some that make your skin crawl. I know most people mean well, but some folks are just missing that filter of courteousness. Anyway, here are a few comments that I've received lately that I am just certain were designed by God to encourage me...

You're expecting?!?! I didn't even notice until today!
(Wow. I managed not to look like a beached whale for almost 8 months this time!)

It's so great that God is blessing you with another child.
(Amen.)

I hope I handle pregnancy as well as you seem to handle it.
(Good thing she can't read my mind or listen in on my nightly vent sessions with hubby!)

You look so tiny.
(Is she talking to me? There must be another pregnant woman around here somewhere...)

You look like you are all baby! Seriously, you look great for being almost 8 months pregnant!
(I knew she was a good friend...)

Lord, Thank You for sending encouragement in the form of human words. Thank You for the almost daily reminders that You care enough to put such loving friends and family in my life. Bless each of them for the ministry of their hearts and words. Thank You also for the reminder that a word of encouragement can really lift a troubled heart. Help me to be better at encouraging others. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

The Best Laid Plans

Last Fall, we inherited a freezer from Charlie's grandma. It was an answer to prayer as our old (I mean REALLY old!) freezer had died and was too small anyway. I love our "new" one as it is an upright freezer and so darn easy to organize. We put it out in our small garage temporarily until we could spend some time (and money) fixing up our mud room to accommodate our newest appliance.
A week ago, we returned home from my grandma's funeral to discover that our sweet little Penny didn't take too kindly to being left alone and had dug a nice, not-so-neat hole in one of our flower beds. It wouldn't have been more than a simple inconvenience had she not found the very spot where an electrical line is buried! The line is older and not covered by PVC or conduit of any kind. The Lord must want our cutie dog to live a bit longer because she managed to chew on the line and short it out without electrocuting herself! Charlie spent a couple of hours giving the line a temporary fix and covering the area with paving stones until we could decide how best to make a more permanent repair. Later that night, we realized that when the line shorted out, the electricity to the small garage was turned off and our freezer had been off for several hours. Fortunately, everything but the ice cream (Good-bye Ben. Good-bye Jerry.) was still frozen so we thanked God for alerting us so quickly.
Yesterday, I planned out our meals for the week and prepared our grocery list so Charlie and the girls could make a run to the store. I asked him to go out to the big freezer to retrieve some pork chops and ground beef so we could put them in the kitchen freezer. It was taking him awhile so I looked out the side door to see what was going on and found him staring into the freezer shaking his head. The electricity had shorted out again, but this time everything had defrosted. We were too late to salvage much of anything.
As we carted what we could save (some bags of frozen veggies and fruits) to the kitchen freezer, I thought about all the great deals we had made over the summer and how we had carefully stocked the freezer for the Fall and Winter months. Normally, I would wait a bit longer to stock up, but with a newborn on the horizon, I wanted to get a head start. I thought about how much hard earned money had been wasted and how long it would take to replace what was lost. I started to feel angry... especially when I spied "sweet" Penny happily munching on a bone!
It isn't as if we are going to go hungry. We will have plenty to eat, and I dare say, we'll even be able to re-stock the freezer over the course of time. The issue for me was that I had planned and carefully budgeted and calculated. That freezer full of food was a little insurance against rising food prices and the unpredictable financial future we're all facing right now. I felt cheated and defeated. Deep inside me, something started to stir and as I turned to talk to the Lord about it, my end of the conversation went something like this:
Lord, I don't know how to thank You in this situation. There isn't anything about this that I like. I know it's just food, but it isn't just food. There are a lot of things that aren't going according to plan right now. We just watched a good chunk of our grocery bill go down the tubes. It feels wasteful. I don't like being on bed rest. I have all these children to manage and it doesn't seem fair that we are all cooped up because of me. The house seems to be falling apart and I'm going stir crazy stuck inside all day! The medicine I'm on turns me into someone I don't like very well, and I am not enjoying the side effects at all. I don't mean to question Your authority, but I'm having a hard time seeing the blessing in all of this. I guess what I'm asking is where is Your plan to prosper us? How does all of this fit into Your best for us? This doesn't feel like Your best...
And, I felt the same way I do every time I have a venting prayer...small, whiny, selfish...your basic two year old on a tantrum. I apologized for my poor attitude and asked the Lord to just be with me in all that was going on and to make me willing to accomplish His will for me. That felt better and I was able to move forward with the day.
This morning, while Charlie and the girls were at church, I was still thinking over all that has been happening in our family the last two weeks when I found this:
The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; He makes the plans of the peoples of no effect. The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations. Psalm 33:10-11
It isn't that I think God didn't want us to fill our freezer with food for our family or make plans to enjoy our summer before our son in born, but He does want us to allow the plans of His heart to be the plans of ours. I don't know that we have stepped outside of His plans for us, but I do know that He is using this time of uncertainty to remind us to look to Him in all things. I am a planner by nature--by God's design--and that is a gift that I have often allowed God to use for His glory. On the other hand, there have been many times when I have abused that gift and used it for my own selfish purposes. I have to admit, that full freezer felt pretty secure. Would I have spent as much time praying over my coupons and grocery ads and grocery budget with the security of that full freezer? Would I have thanked God for His provision every time I opened that door to pull something out to eat? Would I have spent as much time praying for this baby if I had been allowed to spend the remainder of my pregnancy doing whatever I wanted? Would I have appreciated simple things like being able to pick up my children or tuck them in bed or prepare a meal for my family? I'd like to think that the answer to these questions would be "yes," but I hesitate because I know my own selfish, sinful nature.
So, in all of this, the best laid plans amount to nothing if they aren't the plans of the Lord. We must be willing to be flexible and willing to change our course when the Lord requires it of us. He is sovereign and in control and nothing happens that He doesn't know about or know how to handle. His counsel, His will, His plans...they do stand forever.

Lord, Thank You that by Your nature You are so patient and kind and forgiving. Thank You that You endure my ranting and venting. Forgive my stumbling and bumbling. Make me willing. Make me flexible. And in all things, remind me to give thanks. Thanks for all things. In Jesus' name. Amen.

A supportive husband...

One of the things I love most about my husband is his willingness to be a servant. He quietly goes around doing all sorts of things behind the scenes to make my life better and easier. And, he doesn't need a parade or bull horn announcement for a thank you, either.

After reading my list of things I needed/wanted to do, this is what he did--

We had borrowed a jogger-type stroller from friends and he knew that I really loved using it. He also knows I'm just itching to get back to my running and fitness routine this Fall. So, although we have other strollers to maneuver baby about, he surprised me by purchasing this one for me today! He also spent about an hour comparing/contrasting car seats online, compiling a list of those with good reviews and the features we liked. What a guy!

Thanks, Lord, for such a wonderful, thoughtful husband! Bless him always and continue to teach me how to better serve him as well. Amen.

Let The Nesting Begin!

There's really nothing like a little pre-term labor to jump start a pregnant woman's nesting instinct. Up until this week, I was perfectly content to avoid all baby-related projects until after Labor Day. My theory was that I would have all summer to play with my existing children and then spend the last 3-4 weeks rounding up all the essentials for our new critter. Slap your self in the hospital with some powerful contractions and that tune will change in a heartbeat, mister!

This isn't our first baby, so I don't feel any urge to rush out and buy van loads of blue gear to decorate our nursery. In fact, our nursery will be doing double duty as a nursery/guest room/craft room/catch-all for awhile. While it was a blessing to be able to give most of our baby gear to other families in our community last summer, it has left us a little lacking. We do have a crib and dresser, a pack and play and a bouncy seat. We're borrowing a bassinet and bath seat and will either use one of the three older strollers we already own, or trade them all in for a newer (yet, still used!) model. On the list of things left to round up and/or purchase are:

Infant Car Seat--I think we'll be buying this item immediately after our little scare this week!

Changing pad and covers

Onesies

Socks

4-6 baby blankets

Wipes (we already have a stash of newborn and size 1 diapers to get us rolling)

Crib bedding

I also have a list of projects that need to be completed before the Little Mister's arrival:

Finish cleaning out and organizing Nursery/Guest Room

Stock large freezer with 12-20 pre-made meals

Organize master bathroom closet and under sink storage

Organize master bedroom closet--so I can find my pre-pregnancy clothes in a couple months!

Purge kitchen cabinets

Prep 3 months worth of home school materials and lesson plans--school starts for us on August 4th!

Purge all three girls' closets and drawers to make room for Fall clothing.

Come up with some sort of plan for birth announcements/Christmas cards (yes, it could very well take me 4 months to send out birth announcements!)

Lists work well for me, so although it seems like a lengthy list and a lot of work, it gives me a place to start. I like the satisfaction of crossing things off a pre-determined list, knowing each completed task brings me closer to my goals. Also, it helps me better plan budget and time-wise. Money and time are precious commodities in this household!



Aaaah. I feel better. Maybe now that I have all this posted and sorted through I can go back to bed! It is the wee hours of the morning here and my little ones are tucked safely in bed...at someone else's house! Me thinks I should take advantage of the opportunity to get some extra sleep!



Thanks, Lord for getting me up early to talk to You and for some time to sort through all the things that are rattling in my head. Though this is my effort at creating a plan for the next few weeks, order my days so I may glorify You fully. Give me chances to sing Your praises and reflect Your goodness. Keep my list-making and planning and preparing humble and make me dependent on You for both direction and success. Thank You for Your peaceful rest. In Jesus Name, Amen.

A Much Needed Update...

I really haven't forsaken this space. We've just been so busy this summer; I haven't had much time to sit down and compose both myself and my thoughts! Due to a series of unexpected events, though, I have some wonderful free time for the next couple of days and hope to spend some time blogging and sharing what God is doing in our lives and hearts.

First, thanks to inspiration from Mrs. Pear's blog, I've added a little ticker on my side bar that shows how many days are left until the newest member of our family arrives. We've had several due dates tossed around, so I used the latest projected date and we'll all be nice and surprised if baby arrives a little earlier!

In June, I had the wonderful opportunity to visit my best friend, Sandy, and her husband, Don, in California. They've been married for five years and this is the first time I've been to visit them in their beautiful home and city and state. We had a great time sight-seeing, eating ice cream, walking on the beach, eating ice cream, lounging around the jacuzzi, and-did I mention?-eating ice cream. It was just the recipe for a busy, pregnant, tired and burned out mama! Plus the time we spent catching up was awesome!

(Sandy and Don at the Point Loma Light House)

Shortly after I returned from vacation, we hosted our little friends Henry and Harmony for a few days while their parents escaped south of the border for a much deserved siesta! We played and played and played while they were here. The kids attended a VBS program through the week, caught lightening bugs and told stories in the tent and ate microwaved s'mores at sunset. It was a great time for everyone!

(The kids posing at VBS!)

The week of July 4th, Charlie's brother, Kevin, came to visit for the holiday and to help us celebrate little Ruthie's 5th birthday. We made a trip to the water park as well as several other fun activities. We celebrated Ruthie's birthday with all of our extended family and I was, again, reminded of what a treasure and miracle she really is! (Ruthie blowing out the candles on her blueberry lemon cupcakes!)

After Ruthie's party concluded, my niece, Lilly Marie, stayed with us for a few days. She is 17 months old and an utter delight! My girls had the best time entertaining her and helping me take care of her. It was also a "trial run" with four little ones tearing around the house! It's going to be fun, but very, very busy! (Little Lilly enjoying some water fun in the back yard!)

So, that catches us up to this current week. All was going as planned. Lilly was here with us, having fun, keeping my kids entertained. I was planning to take all four girls to my folks' house in Ohio for a quick visit from Wednesday through Friday. Lilly's parents were eager to have her returned to them and I thought a visit with Grammie was in order as well. We took all four girls out for supper Tuesday evening and in the midst of dinner, I started having contractions. They were strong, long and breath-taking...real, labor contractions. I drank several glasses of water through dinner (silently praying for the ebb and flow of my uterus to halt). When we got home, I tried walking around, sitting, lying down...every trick they teach you to try to get contractions to stop. Nothing worked. I called the OB doctor on call and he ordered me to the hospital to be checked out. I tried arguing my way out of his instructions, rationalizing that we have other children and my niece to take care of etc. etc. He said it wasn't an emergency, but we needed to make arrangements for the girls and get to the hospital.

We called our friends to ask if they might possibly be available to help us if we needed someone to sit with the kids (I was still in denial about needing to have medical attention!). Before I knew what was happening, Ann was in our living room shooing us out the door, insisting that we should go. Charlie put my shoes on me, grabbed a few things we might need and put me in the car. All the way to the hospital, I kept thinking that the contractions were going to dissipate, that we were probably making a mountain out of a mole hill. Forty-five minutes later, I was being admitted to the hospital with pre-term labor and orders that I would indeed be spending at least one night at the hospital.

After some speedy lab work, cultures and an exam, it was determined that I was in the early stages of labor and the culprit was a massive bacterial infection in my urinary tract, bladder, uterus and kidneys. The doctor was in shock that I wasn't in any pain from the infection...I was in shock that I was actually that sick and had no symptoms! They ordered lots of IV antibiotics and fluids and we all crossed our fingers that the meds would take care of the problem in short order.

I labored with contractions all evening and in the wee hours of the morning, it was determined that another course of action was required. I had dilated just enough that the doctor didn't want to take any chances with the baby. He ordered steroids to develop the baby's lungs, more antibiotics and meds to try to get my uterus to stop contracting. The first round of meds didn't do the trick, so they then administered a whopper does of magnesium to my system. A magnesium bolus acts like a "reset" button for your muscles, so the hope was my uterus would respond and stop contracting.

Finally, after a long night and day, and another long night, my body responded well to the various medications, treatments, and more importantly, I believe, the prayers of many, many people. The contractions stopped, the infection began to clear and my body began to slowly mend. The released us from the hospital this afternoon and I am enjoying the undeserved favor God has bestowed on us.

While we were in the hospital, anxious over my health and the health of our baby, another ultrasound was ordered. As a result of that ultrasound, we discovered that we are having a.....baby boy!!! It was such a blessed surprise for us and I know this little one will be a blessing to us all!

I came home this afternoon to an immaculate house; laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away; dishes washed; beds made; floors swept...what a treat! Thanks to Charlie and our friend Pat for helping with that huge project! Also, the girls were whisked off to my folks' house where they are being well taken care of by my mom and sister-in-law as we speak. Thanks, Mom and Liz, for being so willing to serve us in this way! Finally, thank you to all my sisters in Christ who have come alongside us this week to minister to us in a variety of ways. From cards, to books, to meals, to babysitting, to phone calls and prayers. You all are a beautiful part of the body of Christ!

Thank You, Lord for the many ways You have been before us, behind us, on every side. I praise You for the ways You have been glorified in our weaknesses. Thank You for a believing doctor and nurses and for being able to pray with them. Thank You for the body of Christ who has been ministering so faithfully to us this week. Thank You for making me sit still and showing me that I need to wait on You and Your plans for my life. Thank You for a servant-husband who has been diligently caring for me and the girls selflessly all week. And, thank You for this little boy--I don't know what to do with a boy but trust You will show me the joys of knowing and raising a man! In Jesus' Name, Amen.

24 Weeks

I can't believe I'm nearly 24 weeks (tomorrow) into this pregnancy. Usually, I'm ticking off the days and the weeks are just dragging by. It seems like the past few months have flown by in a flurry of activity. I suppose I could chalk it up to being the mother of 3 busy children. I could also attribute it to long lists of things I've had to take care of or the hectic schedule we've kept. I could also credit the many other ministry opportunities that have brightened our doorway recently, but I know in my heart that this time has been an incredible gift and an answer to prayer.

I spent most of my last pregnancy complaining...about being pregnant; about headaches and backaches and leg cramps; about the hot weather and the rain; about my morning sickness; about our children and their endless energy; about my doctor and nursing staff; about our messy house and broken down van...basically, I found something to complain about every day. It was a loooong nine months and my sweet husband should receive some sort of special medal of honor for weathering that period of time without once losing his temper with me. When Olivia was born, I instantly regretted my attitude and felt deep conviction about the lack of respect I had for what God was working in my body and heart and soul. I was embarrassed to look back and see that I had complained about something God had intended to be an enormous blessing.

When I found I was pregnant again, I immediately began asking God to protect my mind from negative thoughts and put a guard about my mouth if any negative thoughts should interrupt me. I've asked to be pliable in God's hands through this pregnancy, and so far, I feel that He has blessed me. I've had my share of morning sickness and backaches, leg cramps and weird food cravings. I've also been short-tempered with my family and emotional when I should have been rational. But, I also have this great peace. I know that God is in complete control and I'm happy to let Him be. I don't have it all figured out, and don't I feel like I need to. I know God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) I'm just thankful to be used in this miraculous way, once again.

So, for anyone who still reads me, that's where I'm at here at 24 weeks. Blessed. Grateful. Sometimes crabby. Always amazed...leg cramps and all!

Grace For My Four Year Old

"It isn't fair!" little Ruthie implored.
"What's not fair?" I replied.
"Olivia gets to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I don't want to eat Spanish rice!"
"Do you know why we are letting Olivia eat something different?"
"No."
"We want Olivia to enjoy sitting at the table with us as a family. And, we want her to learn good table manners and learn to eat bigger amounts of food."
"But it still isn't fair! She's getting what I want and it isn't fair!" And with that, Ruthie's eyes welled with tears and her lips began to quiver. In her little world, dinner had turned into a social injustice of sorts and she was getting the proverbial short end of the stick.

I could see things from her perspective. Here was her little, baby sister getting her way (again) and she was being forced to follow a different set of rules. A set of rules she didn't particularly like or agree with. But, they are rules she understands and is capable of following. As I sat on the couch with my pouting 4-year-old, trying to explain why we extend grace in various forms to each child, I had that funny experience we all have as believing parents. I could already hear that little whisper in my heart, "Come away with Me so we can talk about this. I have some things to show you about My grace."

After I settled Ruthie back at the table, I escaped to the desk and my Bible to listen more intently. I was drawn to the parable of the landowner and the vineyard (Matthew Chapter 20:1-16) who went looking for workers to work his land. He promised each of three groups of laborers a denarius for their work. The problem came when each group of workers was paid at the end of the day. Upon seeing their fellow workers--who had only worked an hour--receive a denarius, the first group of workers--who had worked all day--believed they would be paid more. But that was not the case. Each worker received equal pay. Equal pay for unequal work. Hmmm...my brain was letting that one sink in. Then these words caught my eye:

"Is it not lawful for me to do what I wish with what is my own? Or is your eye envious because I am generous?" Matthew 20:15

Oooohhhh. That's such a great question! Am I envious of God's generosity with others? Am I jealous of the particular grace He washes others in because He doesn't bathe me in the same manner? I thought back to my conversation with Ruthie. I had explained to her that Olivia is only two and so we extend grace to her because she isn't able to follow as many rules or understand all of our meal time rules yet. I shared with her that when she was two, we also excused her from eating everything the rest of us ate at meal time and focused on making sure she could enjoy meal time and develop manners for meals. She smiled at that and then asked, "But, why do I have to follow different rules?" I told her that she was older and smarter and able to understand more rules so Daddy and I hold her accountable to different rules. I could tell she wasn't entirely thrilled with my answer or explanation, but she was no longer pouting. We prayed together and thanked God for the food He had provided and asked God to help Ruthie obey at the table. She hugged me and apologized and skipped back to the table.

Staring at the black and white of the Word, I started wondering if I've been pouting like my four-year-old. Do I run to God crying because I see Him being generous to someone else in an area I'd like to have more blessings in? I came up with a little list...well, at least the things I'm willing to admit:

Pregnancy. Some of my friends love being pregnant. They literally glow and are just happy being "with child." They don't swell or gain too much weight or get crabby or have backaches or sore feet or headaches. It's an enjoyable experience for them.
Finances. God is completely faithful to meet each and every need we have and even some of our wants, but we live prayercheck to prayercheck. It's hard to see others blessed with opportunities to purchase furniture, new cars, new clothes, and vacations.
Teaching Gifts. This is a struggle for me, especially as we home school. Some of the people I'm closest with (including my husband!) have amazing gifts of teaching and are able to really explain information to others. This is not one of my areas of strength.

There are other areas I struggle with, but these are ones I think God is pointing out right now. Just like Ruthie, instead of focusing on obeying the Lord and enjoying the tremendous grace He has poured out on me, I'm focusing on areas in which I think He has short-changed me. But He hasn't short-changed me at all! Just the opposite:

But You, O Lord are a God merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness and truth.
Turn to me, and be gracious to me;
Oh grant Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your handmaid.
Psalm 86:15-16

God is loving and just and kind and merciful and truthful. In my own human-ness, I don't see the big picture. I don't see why He extends grace to others and not to me in particular areas. And I don't need to.
What I do need to see is that He is my Father and that His love for me and ways for me are perfect. He offers grace to me in each breath He gifts to me.

Lord, God, give me the grace to live each moment of each day for You. Help me to walk in obedience to You. Give me strength and be gracious unto me. In Your Name, Amen.

More Than We Can Handle, Not He

I'm pregnant. I'm tired. I have all-day sickness.
I have the flu. I have small children. I have mountains of laundry.
I hurt my back. I can't stand up, sit down, or lie down. I'm hobbling like an old woman.

This isn't a pity party or a diatribe on the evils of illness and injury and physical inconvenience. Rather this is a reminder, a note to self for future reference and remembering...God most certainly does give us more than we can handle. Why? Because it forces a decision of the heart. Where do I flee when the weight of my choices, my actions, my environment, or even my frail faith are a mountain upon me; waves engulfing me and stealing my breath? Indeed, where do I turn? Do I turn inward? Do I turn to others? Both are poor choices for a multitude of reasons. We as believers in the Almighty power of Jesus Christ have no excuse to run anywhere but to the Source of life, the Mover of mountains, the Calmer of raging seas and gusting winds. Any other choice is a betrayal of the love He has born unto us. So where do I flee?

Psalm 121
I will lift my eyes to the mountains;
From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip,
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

Make this the prayer of my heart, sweet Jesus. Amen.

176, thump, thump

We had our first ultrasound today and, thankfully, all is well in watery womb-world. For the last week or so, I've been plagued (maybe attacked) with thoughts that perhaps something was wrong with this pregnancy, or that because it's been a little harder to get excited about child #4 (gulp. We're going to have 4, count them f-o-u-r children!), my lack of enthusiasm would affect the health of this child. Satan was whispering little lies in my ear...

Just exactly how are you going to take care of a newborn and three other children under the age of 7?

Do you really think you can afford another baby?

You are over 35. There could be something really, really functionally wrong with this child, you know.

If you think you're busy now, just wait until this Fall!

What will people think when they see you with a whole van load of children? What a sight that will be!

You should be more excited like you were in your first pregnancy. Maybe you don't deserve another baby.

That's how the enemy works. He uses just enough of the truth to make his argument believable, but leaves out the crucial truth God promises in His Word. He's selling hopelessness and despair, and sometimes (I'm embarrassed to admit how many times) I buy it. I start believing those arguments I hear in my head. They sound like good arguments, and when I'm operating in the flesh, they are the only arguments I hear.

This morning, I realized I could spend the day in fear of what might be, or I could ground myself in the love of what is. What is, is God loves me and cares for me and has chosen me as His own. Each of the lies being whispered to me have an answer...

Just exactly how are you going to take care of a newborn and three other children under the age of 7? Probably the same way I took care of each of the others. In prayer and in constant dependence on the Lord. I don't know how to do it now because I don't need to know how to do it. When this baby is born, I will learn like I have the last three times. It will be challenging, but not impossible. With God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26b

Do you really think you can afford another baby? Well, truthfully, no. I've never thought we could "afford" any of our babies. But all that we have is the Lord's and if He created this baby, then He has provided the resources for his or her life. I may not see those resources yet, but they are already there. He owns cattle on a thousand hill and He will take care of us. Psalm 50:10

You are over 35. There could be something really, really functionally wrong with this child, you know. Yes, I am aware of the statistics. I am aware that I am older (believe me I am aware!). But, Sarah was almost 100 when she conceived Isaac and God had a beautiful plan for his life. And, so what if this child has special needs? If the Lord chooses us to be parents to one of His children who needs special love and consideration, that is His choice and it is the BEST choice for us, not the worst. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare, not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

If you think you're busy now, wait until the Fall! Okay, this is a tough one because I am really busy and it's hard to think of being busier and existing on less sleep. But, we have another 6 1/2 months to think of ways to streamline our home and teach our older kids to take on more responsibilities. Instead of thinking of this as a negative, this can be a really positive opportunity for our family to grow. It's also a wonderful lesson in servant hood for our children, as they learn what it means to sacrifice for each other in time, possessions and acts of service. Love one another just as I have loved you. John 13:34

What will people think when they see you with a whole van load of children? What a sight that will be?! Yes, what a sight! The sight of four well kept, well loved, mannerly, clean, appropriately dressed, well fed, behaving children would be a sight in today's society! I hope that when others see our family, they will know that there is something different, something remarkable, something Christ-like about our family and they would be attracted to that something. And you shall be my witnesses...even to the remotest parts of the world. Acts 1:8

You should be more excited like you were in your first pregnancy. Maybe you don't deserve another baby. It's true I'm not as excited about this pregnancy. Let's face it...the mystery is gone. I know how these nine months play out and I'm not all that excited about gaining weight, losing energy and all the other discomforts of pregnancy. Who get excited about that? But it's part of living in a fallen world and I can't change God's plan for pregnancy or childbirth. What I can change is my attitude. Instead of cursing each and every ache and pain and pound, I can thank God for the reason I'm experiencing them. And as for deserving a baby...if I ever develop an attitude of entitlement with my children, I have great, great problems in my relationship with the Lord! I don't deserve anything the Lord has given to me in this life, but I am grateful for every good thing He has blessed me with. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. James 1:17

The key to combating the lies of the enemy is knowing the Truth of the Word. If you, tonight, are reading this and are struggling with half-truths whispered in your ears and to your heart, get into the Word. Combat the enemy with Truth. There is great power in the Word of God. Take the lies and confront them with the Truth. It's uplifting and heart-changing, and balm for our souls.

Thank You, Jesus, for the Word. For the Truth that is You. For the way You provide to combat the lies of our enemy. Thank You for the peace that comes with the Truth. Thank You for heartbeats and new life and for being Emmanuel to me today. Thank You for being with Your children in ultrasounds and x-ray rooms and chemotherapy treatment centers and operating rooms. With us in palaces and mud huts and mortgaged homes and trailers. With us in sickness and health in wealth and poverty and happy days and days of mourning. With us, for us, before us, behind us...God with us. In Your Name, Amen