Crawling!

After months of hard work, Samuel is now crawling! This is a huge achievement for him and a very proud moment for us. I almost cried and all the girls clapped and cheered as we watched him crawl across the room over and over again.

When your child is struggling and you are praying through each little movement and motion, it's sometimes hard to be happy for other parents as they share how their babies are developing normally (or even ahead of the curve). It's especially hard when those same parents don't realize or forget that our days are filled with special exercises and equipment and extra appointments and therapists, all designed to help your child do the very thing they are describing. Spiritually speaking, I realize that my reaction to others needs some work. It isn't realistic for anyone else to be as invested in my child's development, not should I expect our friends and family to walk on egg shells around us. I can, however know that God our Father is intimately interested in our son's struggle and achievements. He listens and cares about all that is going on with our boy. After all, He designed Sam's life!

So, we are rejoicing today in a milestone achieved and I am feeling justifiably humbled concerning my heart attitude. Thanks, Lord, for visible evidence that You are working in our son's life. Thank You for reminding me that You are the only One I need to turn to for support and concern. Forgive me for being overly sensitive. Help me to rejoice whenever one of Your little ones grows--however that happens. Just thanks for being all that I need all of the time...In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Delayed

Sweet boy with the emerging curls. With the one-tooth grin. Who always greets me with a smile. Who pulls my hair and pinches my arms. With the big eyes, taking it all in. Sweet, sweet boy.

In His wisdom, God delayed your arrival. You are the last of this womb. Somehow that delay is so fitting. You belong at the tail end of this train, making things complete.

Our meeting was delayed. I saw you for what seemed a mili-second before they whisked you off to the part of the hospital where God truly works miracles. It was hours before I saw a glimpse of your helpless little body, shrouded in tubes and wires and monitors. Days before we could really touch, skin to skin. But, each time our eyes locked His presence overwhelmed me.

Intimacy was delayed. It was weeks and weeks before I could recognize patterns and cues that make you unique. I'm still learning and trying to understand...

Emotions were delayed, bottled up to be poured out later, when they could be fully grasped.

And now, more delays in your development. Understandable, considering your rocky start to life, but I see how it frustrates you day after day. We learn together and rejoice together when you reach a hard-fought goal.

So, we wait together, you and I, in this wonderful suspension. Watching the world pass by at lightning speed. And I think God planned this delay, this slower pace so I could slow down for you and and to notice the real miracles He is performing every day. And so you wouldn't have to hurry and scurry out of the newness of life.

I love you, sweet boy.

Crazy Cousins

Growing Things

Both son and garden are growing, growing...

And So It Begins...

What do you think? Will he survive three older sisters? They spent all morning trying different colored headbands on him. Next it will be his toe nails and some pretty pink polish...

Four

Most days, I hit the ground running (literally), just hurtling through our day and trying to juggle the demands of our home, marriage, children, ministry. I don't have time to stop and think about what I'm doing or what it looks like or whether it's perfect or not. I just move from one thing or person or need or cry or spill or boo-boo to the next.

But, now and then, I catch my breath and it hits me:

I have four children. One, two, three, four.

Four little bodies piled in my lap for story time.
Eights hands and eight feet to wash each night.
Four bellies to fill several times a day.
Four extra beds to make.
At least 24 pairs of shoes to keep track of.
Four loads of laundry most day.
Four bedtime kisses to give and receive.
Four little wonders to place at the feet of Jesus each morning and ask for His protection and wisdom as we journey homeward.

Four children.

It takes my breath away...and sometimes my sleep. And usually all of my energy.

But, it's four more than I ever dreamed possible a decade ago. And, I'd take four more if it meant even an ounce more love would flow through this happy heart of mine.

Thank You, God, for these four. And for so much more...Amen.

Crying It Out

After our visit with the pediatrician yesterday, I came home to have the "crying it out" discussion with hubby. We've had this discussion thrice before (ooh, I love being able to use the word 'thrice') and each time, I've had to get over the heartbreaking idea of letting my babies cry themselves to sleep. Our babies love to beheld. I mean they LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. With Emma, we didn't make her cry it out until she was eight months old. I didn't have anyone else to take care of, so I didn't mind. My husband, on the other hand, felt I was letting her manipulate me. So, after three tortuous nights, she started falling asleep in her own bed, on her own. Ruthie was about 5 months old. Olivia--somewhere between 4-5 months.

But, Samuel is a different story for me. He spent so much of those first weeks of his life crying and I couldn't touch him or hold him or comfort him in any tangible way. When he cries, my instinct is to scoop him up and snuggle away whatever is bothering him. My husband bought him a shirt yesterday that says "Mama's Boy." Yep, that's him in a nutshell. Charlie has been wanting me to let him cry it out for a few weeks now and I kept insisting that he was too young. But, the pediatrician sided with hubby and informed me that he is at the perfect age to begin letting him comfort himself.

Sigh. It's the beginning of letting go. The beginning of teaching him to be independent of me, reliant on the Lord. And it aches. Oh, how it aches. I think because he is our last. Because I don't want to hurry any of these ages and stages along. I want to treasure even the middle of the night feedings, because when they are gone, they're gone for good. I can see now why the baby in every family is usually "babied." Everyone wants to hold on just a bit longer.

And so, I sit here typing this post while my son cries it out in the other room. My heart aches and I know in some ways, God is letting me cry it out, too. He's letting me learn to let go and let Him take control of these children. In His wisdom, He is showing me in so many ways that He is still here, but it's time to mature and move on. It's time to trust.

Thank You, Lord, for being here with me now. Please give comfort to Samuel and allow Him to rest. Help me to trust You with him and our girls. Thank You for wanting more for me, even when I really don't. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Merry Christmas to You!

The Christmas card I would send to make you think my children are adorable, loving and always well-behaved...



And, the Christmas card I would send if I wanted to tell the truth...



Merry Christmas to you all!!!

Another Mother's Son

As I watch you sleep, sweet boy, my heart cannot help but ache for another mother's son. He was a sweet boy, too, I'm sure, taken to heaven this week, only three months older than you. I think of her grief, her sorrow, the overwhelming emptiness that must be her companion today. My heart breaks for her. I see so much possibility in you. I wonder what plans God has for you, and if you will allow God to fulfill them through you. Will you be strong? Will you be yielding? Will you be faithful? Will you be like you father...and our Father? I think about the thoughts and dreams the other mother must have had for her son. Surely this was not a thought in her mind. How could a mother conceive of such a startling end to her son's life?

And then I think of yet another mother, who long ago held her sweet boy in her arms. The Bible says she pondered many things in her heart. How she must have adored His baby soft skin and sweet little toes. She, too, must have had thoughts about His life. But, she knew her Son would also have a startling end to His life. How hard it must have been to watch His agony, the rejection by others, His suffering. And yet, she needed Him to accomplish God's will. He was not just her Son, but her Savior. I wonder how she spent those three days between His crucifixion and resurrection. Was it in despair and grief? Quiet expectation? Joyful hope? Reflective? Contemplative?

And, so I look at you anew, sweet boy. I still wonder what kind of life God will gift to you. No matter the outcome, there is the promise of eternal life in Christ Jesus--another mother's son and every mother's Savior--and I cling to the promise that He holds every detail of your life in the palm of His hand.

...for nine (yes, NINE!) hours!

And it was the best night's sleep in almost a year!!! This time, I only woke up twice: once because I heard him rustling around and assumed he was waking up at 3:30 AM, and again at 5:30 AM because I had to go to the bathroom:) I feel like a new, happier, rested, healthful, invigorated mama today!

Thank You, again, Lord, for the rest. Rest for my body and rest for my spirit. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

And He Slept...

I just have to rejoice a little bit. Last night, I put Samuel in his own bed at 9:30. I went to help a friend for a bit, fully expecting to come home to a hungry, wakeful child. He was still sleeping, so I got ready for bed and curled up to wait for him to wake up. I woke up at 1:30...still sleeping. 3:15...still sleeping. 4:00...still sleeping. He finally woke up to eat at 4:45 AM! That's almost 7 hours of blissful sleep!!!

Now, if I can figure out how to repeat that again tonight as well as get myself to stop checking the clock all through the night, we'll be golden!

Thank You, God, for a great night with Samuel! I'm looking forward to our day together in You! In Jesus' Name, Amen.

The Many Moods of Sammy D.

Though a lovable bloke, our little guy seems to have a bit of a temper. At three months old, he is a wailer, but also turning out to have a gorgeous, melt-your-heart sort of smile!

The Down Swing

I've really hesitated to write much about our time with Samuel in the NICU after his birth. Part of the hesitation is naturally due to the lack of free time I have for all things blogging. I'm happy I've been able to post a few pictures and what not! I've also been so ecstatic just to have my family back together again. What a joy to have all my little chicks safely under wing. I seriously thought about hunkering down in the house for a good month--no phone, no Internet, no visitors...

But, perhaps my greatest cause for hesitation as I have mulled over how to share all that God has done in my heart and in our family through Samuel's birth and recovery has been my fear of re-visiting all the emotions of that month. And it was very emotional. When I took Samuel in for his check-up this past week, I felt a knot in my stomach as we passed the hospital. All the familiar landmarks caused a rush of memories to flood my mind. Images of my sweet boy hooked up to monitors and poked with tubes and wires and bandages and hoses; the smell of antiseptic foam; the distinct beeping noises of the monitors around his warmer. I didn't dwell on those thoughts, but they reminded me of how serious that time was and how difficult it was to walk through that valley.

While I am still rejoicing in the good health of our son and the reunion of our wonderful family, the last couple weeks I've found myself beginning to feel the "down swing" of life with a newborn. The sleepless nights; the horrible messiness of our house; the disconnected mealtimes; the difficulties of managing 4 separate individuals with individual needs. It's all wonderful, of course, but not at all easy. Samuel has colic that keeps him (and me!) awake through the night and the girls are all requiring more and more attention as we progress through our school year. Really, we are just experiencing (again!) the reality of adding another family member to the mix and navigating our way through those first months of finding the "new normal." And, I find myself really turning to the Lord for strength and renewal each day. He is so faithful!

I receive the newsletter for my parents' church and the pastor had written a brief exposition on the first page. It was an anecdotal piece about falling and I found the last paragraph to be so encouraging:

Our lives at all times are more at the mercy of the forces that act on us from the outside than we may be willing to admit. We are vulnerable as human beings--some of us more than others. At all moments our lives are also are in the hands of a Sovereign God who loves us dearly. We may find ourselves, at moments, feeling a bit helpless and have a realization that what is about to happen is going to hurt--and still be unable to change it. Out faith is Jesus Christ though gives you and me the assurance that God is with us before we fall, while we fall and after we fall to help us pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move forward. My prayer is that we can all feel secure and firmly grounded in the knowledge that we are SO loved by Jesus Christ.
Dwight McCormick II

Amen.

His First Date...

Samuel had his first date today. Granted, it was with his mother, but it was a celebratory event all the same.

He will be 2 months old Saturday. Two months...and how did I ever manage to live life fully without him?

Today, I took him (and him only) for his one and only follow-up appointment with his surgeon. As expected, the surgeon was ecstatic over Samuel's progress. He is weighing in at a hefty 10 lbs. 8 oz and has exceeded all expectations. He's been rolling over on his own for a good week, now! Instead of being behind the curve, he is well ahead of it and that is entirely due to God's great blessings and grace.

To celebrate his good health, I took my sweet boy to Trader Joe's to buy some fruit and lotion. They were out of the lotion I was hunting for (boo-hoo), but we did splurge on strawberries, blueberries and raspberries. Samuel spent the entire shopping trip making adorable cooing sounds and locking eyes with anyone and everyone who peered into his car seat for a look-see at the most beautiful boy. Ever.

After the store, I wanted to eat at Chipotle where they make a mean vegetarian beans-and-rice-and-all-things-yum-o bowl. But, the line was entirely too long and time was short. That was okay. The whole recycled-building, crazy-good food atmosphere would have been lost on Sam anyway.

When we got home, we settled down for a nice nap on the bed while the girls watched a movie on the computer. I vaguely remember being able to nap in the middle of the day with our first baby. Sigh. Those were the days... It was nice to have some snuggle time with my little man.

All in all, it was a good first date. He was ever the gentleman, allowing me to pick and choose the activities and providing wonderful companionship. He dressed stylishly, yet comfortably. Oh, and he kept the drool and other bodily noises to a minimum. Always a plus! I'm looking forward to our next date...

Thank You, Lord, for Samuel and the miracle fo his life. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Happy Family

Today, with the help of my best friend, we had our first family shoot with the newest member--"Baby Samuel"--as he has been dubbed. And, I've just typed my first one-handed blog post!

Maybe Friday...

It's late and the drive back and forth to be with Samuel each day has really wiped me out this week. This will be a quick post...

For those of you who are lifting us in prayer --and, really, I can't begin to thank you enough for interceding on our behalf! I know how Moses must have felt when the Israelites lifted his arms for him. There have been days I could literally feel your prayers lifting me out of bed and driving me safely to the hospital and home again. Anyway, if you are praying for us, please be in prayer for Samuel's release from the hospital. Several of the nurses mentioned in passing that they believed he would be going home this Friday, but that hasn't been confirmed by his surgeon or doctor. There are several little things that must take place tomorrow for his discharge to take place, and, like any organization, bureaucratic red tape can get in the way. Please pray that all the final tests and xrays and exams and reports will be done in a timely manner and that Samuel will "pass" them with flying colors. We are READY to have him home with us!

Also, our girls are (FINALLY!) coming home Saturday after being gone for three weeks, visiting Grandma and Grandpa. Please pray for their adjustment and for our family as we all get used to life with four children. New babies are fun and special, but also make for a zoo-y atmosphere!

We'll update more tomorrow...