Delayed

Sweet boy with the emerging curls. With the one-tooth grin. Who always greets me with a smile. Who pulls my hair and pinches my arms. With the big eyes, taking it all in. Sweet, sweet boy.

In His wisdom, God delayed your arrival. You are the last of this womb. Somehow that delay is so fitting. You belong at the tail end of this train, making things complete.

Our meeting was delayed. I saw you for what seemed a mili-second before they whisked you off to the part of the hospital where God truly works miracles. It was hours before I saw a glimpse of your helpless little body, shrouded in tubes and wires and monitors. Days before we could really touch, skin to skin. But, each time our eyes locked His presence overwhelmed me.

Intimacy was delayed. It was weeks and weeks before I could recognize patterns and cues that make you unique. I'm still learning and trying to understand...

Emotions were delayed, bottled up to be poured out later, when they could be fully grasped.

And now, more delays in your development. Understandable, considering your rocky start to life, but I see how it frustrates you day after day. We learn together and rejoice together when you reach a hard-fought goal.

So, we wait together, you and I, in this wonderful suspension. Watching the world pass by at lightning speed. And I think God planned this delay, this slower pace so I could slow down for you and and to notice the real miracles He is performing every day. And so you wouldn't have to hurry and scurry out of the newness of life.

I love you, sweet boy.

What I've noticed...

...the less time I spend with my kids in their normal routine and rhythms and the more activities and extras we throw into the mix, the worse their behavior and mine is.

...I can't make up for my bad behavior and sharp tone by giving my kids extra book reading and an Oreo. I have to sincerely apologize and also repent in my heart to make it right. I really do have to walk the walk and talk the talk.

...the grass is waaay greener on my side of the fence.

...my kids are really well-behaved in general, so I need to be consistent and persistent in both their spiritual training as well as behavioral training. Though it is tiring, it must be working!

...God is always big enough to handle whatever I'm facing. Always.

Thanks Lord for new and improved perspectives from Your Word. Thank You for not letting me "think I know" what You think and who You are, but rather showing Yourself to me clearly through Your Word. I love that about You and I love that You know just exactly what to say to soothe me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

The Path

Psalm 16:11You will show me the path of life;In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 25:4Show me Your ways, O LORD;Teach me Your paths.

Proverbs 3:6In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.

Isaiah 42:16I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known. I will make darkness light before them, And crooked places straight. These things I will do for them, And not forsake them.



Our piano teacher lives on a numbered county road. It isn't all that far from town, but far enough that you can't hear much traffic or noise except neighbors and this time of year especially, there are lots of farmers passing by with their implements. We always take the same route to her house and the same route home. Emma and Ruthie each take a 30 minute lesson once a week, so I have an hour of time with the two young ones to run errands. Today, after dropping the girls off for their lesson, I decided I really wanted to know where the rest of the piano teacher's road went. I had some ideas about where it might lead, but I wasn't sure. I told Olivia we were going on an adventure and off we went.

Turns out, about a half mile down, the road dead ends into a gravel driveway forcing you to turn either right or left onto another county road I was already familiar with. Some adventure. We basically saw some fields and houses on a stretch of road and then landed pretty close to WalMart. Big deal.

But, it got me thinking about our journey through life. Charlie and I are facing some choices about our next path in life and we've been carefully weighing all our options and trying to imagine the outcome of each road we could potentially travel. Of course we want to please the Lord and want Him to choose for us but, sometimes I think God wants to reveal something of greater importance--the desires of our hearts. What are we really seeking? What is it that we really want? Is it really to serve the Lord with gladness, or only to serve Him when it's comfortable and easy? What if His path takes us down an unexpected gravel road, to a place that's completely foreign? Are we still desiring to serve Him wholly?

On our way back to the piano teacher's house, I called Charlie and left him a message:
"Hi, honey, it's me. I love you. I just wanted to tell you that I don't really care what road we take as long as we're together and the Lord is leading. Wherever we go, whatever we do, it's fine with me. It will be an adventure!! I love you. Bye."

So, even if the road God has for us is really just a more scenic route back to the familiarity of life, I'll gladly travel it. Especially since He's given me so many amazing people to travel with!

Thank You, Lord for the adventure of life in You. I know You have a plan and that You are in complete control of all things. Above all else, let us glorify You. Drive all personal aspirations and desires out of our hearts and minds and allow us to serve You with whole hearts, bringing glory to Your name. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Why We Need The Light...

Our power went out Sunday night. Word on the street was that a foil balloon got caught in some power lines a few streets over causing sparks to fly. But, that's the word from a nine year old...the same nine year old who may or may not believe Spider Man is an actual career choice.

Anyway.

We had a house full of little people--a few extras tossed into our usual gang for an impromptu sleepover--and no power. So, we sent them out to the backyard to launch their latest, greatest imaginary play. If you live near me, I'm sure you could hear the ruckus several blocks away. Charlie took our Crab-Boy for a walk to try to soothe his aching gums and ears while I attempted to clean up from a very busy weekend. It was twilight so I knew the light was fading. I also knew that with extra people in the house, some degree of cleanliness was required.

First, I opened all the curtains and doors to capture as much light as possible and then decided to work from the darkest areas to the lightest, picking up and putting away as quickly as I could manage. Though I was interrupted here and there with requests for drinks and the need to steer the girls' play-acting in a different direction (No, there are no vampire bats in the neighborhood and please stop including that as part of your story-line--you're scaring your sisters!), I managed to get quite a bit done...or so I thought.

The power finally came back on just as I had lit all the candles and was calling the kids in to get ready for bed. We turned on lights and the result of my efforts was apparent. Though obvious things we in their proper places--toys in bins and baskets, laundry in the hamper, dishes in the dishwasher--the tables and counters I had wiped down were streaky and still dirty and I had missed several items lurking in once dark corners of the house. The house was only half clean and therefore appeared to still be all dirty.

It got me thinking about how important light is...it illuminates our surroundings. Not only that but it drives away the mystery of darkness. Basically, you can't hide in the light.

And Jesus said He is the Light of the world...hmmm.

It's a good example to think through. As believers, we probably all know folks who are living in darkness. Even if they don't agree. It's so important that we keep perspective. Just like my housekeeping efforts, God doesn't want us to try to clean ourselves up in fading light, missing obvious filth and sin. He wants to illumine our souls--to show us the absolute ridiculousness of our situation. He wants us to understand that we, in our own efforts and under our own power, cannot possibly make ourselves clean. And then He gets to work cleansing us completely. There are no streaky counter tops or missed clutter. Our lives take on a shine and an orderliness that is impossible without Jesus Christ.

Since our powerless hours Sunday evening I've been thinking a lot about why Jesus calls Himself the Light of the world. And about how dark our world is becoming. It's twilight, I think. The Light is fading in our culture and God is calling us to let Him shine brightly through us to a lost and hurting world. It's challenging. Part of me wants to hunker down and stay blind to the world around me. It's a scary place full of scary ideals and sinful behavior. It's getting worse and worse each year. But, I think about how life changing it was to have the Light of God's love shine into the darkness of my own soul and how grateful I am that others were willing to be used in such a way that I came to understand how valuable I am to God and what lengths He will go to rescue me. And I want to be in that Light, working to make a bright place for others.

Light of the world, shine through me and in me. Make me useful for Your kingdom. Be glorified in all I do and say today and everyday. In Your name, Amen.

No Do-Overs

The girls were playing a spirited game of Hi-Ho Cherry-O this morning, much to Olivia's delight. She loves it when the older two acquiesce and play a non-reading game with her so she has a somewhat equal chance to win. Anyway, I kept hearing Emma shout, "Do-over! Do-over!" every so often. Apparently, the game had morphed into each girl trying to get the cardboard spinner to land on the maximum amount of cherries. They were having fun and being completely silly shouting "Do-over, Do-over" again and again. I love seeing my kids both having fun and at peace with each other...it can be a rarity around here!

As I finished up in the kitchen, that word kept ringing in my ears--"Do-Over! Do-Over!" I've had more than a few days lately that have ended with my heart screaming that same phrase as my head hit the pillow. It isn't so much that I haven't accomplished anything or been totally out of step with the Lord, but I know in my heart that my attitude has been less than Christ-like. Or, I've said something to my children or husband with a sharp tone. Or, worse, I've had a critical spirit. And when it's quiet in my home and in my heart, there is deep conviction and a desperate wish that I could somehow go back and do it all over again...only this time in Christ instead of my flesh.

But, we don't get "do-overs" do we? We don't get the chance to travel back to a spent moment and right our wrong words or correct our critical spirits or tame the tongue that spewed out angry or hurtful or careless words. Every moment of each day is a gift, if we choose to view it that way. And while I know it isn't possible to be perfect or to even strive for perfection--that in and of itself is sinful thinking--we can always submit more of ourselves to Christ's gentle teaching and leading. After all, He was fully human and can relate to the temptation to lash out in anger when your husband piles your freshly cleaned kitchen with loads of dirty dishes. He knows how difficult it is to listen to the same Sunday School song over and over and over ad naseum. He knows how hard it is to keep that critical spirit in check when you see a friend obviously teetering on the absolute edge of a wrong choice.

He knows because we do the same to Him. We pile our filth into the once-clean heart He has made in us, forcing Him to start the cleansing process anew. And He loves us. He listens to our sing-songy complaints over and over and over, usually about the same issues. And He loves us and tells us His grace is sufficient. And He sees the almost daily routine we have of teetering on the edge of disaster as we flirt with sin and transgression. And He lovingly pulls us into safety...because of His great love for us.

I was talking with my best friend last week about our individual testimonies and how somehow, the sensational testimonies--you know, the ones where believers attest to being rescued from drugs, alcohol, abuse, infidelity, addictions, and the like--are sometimes put on a pedestal. I think the intention is to offer proof that through Christ, God can transform even the most awful life and we can have a relationship with Him. But, that isn't always the way those testimonies are viewed, are they? I've heard other believers--in fact, I've been one of those believers--that feels like my own testimony isn't powerful enough because there isn't enough "dirt" to make it a good story. But the truth is that the best testimonies are the ones of believers who testify that they have always believed in Christ. That they were raised by Christian parents, believed from a young age that the Bible is true, have always trusted in Jesus, have always understood that their own sin nature needed to be kept in check. Those are powerful stories because there isn't a need for "do-overs." They are powerful because they offer proof that we don't need to succumb to temptation in order to be fully saved. There is GREAT comfort for me as a parent in knowing that my kids can understand the pull of sin and their separation from God NOW, and choose to live for Christ from now on.

Let's live for Jesus with no thoughts of "Do-overs." Let's let Him love those around us through us. Let's stop right now, confess our need for Him to renew our spirits and create clean hearts in us and let's allow the quiet peace of our hearts testify loudly.

Lord, forgive me for not letting you live through me at all times. Help me to be more like You. Help me to let go and let You do whatever You think is best. Help me to not over-think every decision and choice. Forgive me for misusing the gift of administration to try to control every thing and every one, just to make myself feel more comfortable. I know I don't get any "do-overs," but please redeem the mistakes I have made and use them for your glory. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Things I Found While Cleaning Today...

I haven't cleaned our bedroom in, oh, say for-dash-ever. I mean other than just making the bed and picking up laundry (sometimes.) There are three of us camped out in there right now as Samuel is still sleeping next to our bed--oh, okay, truth be told he still sleeps IN the bed with us a couple nights a week! Anyway, it's amazing what you find whilst cleaning and de-cluttering:

Dust bunnies the size of my fist (all the way under the bed having a big party together)
Miscellaneous socks under the bed, dressers and at the bottom of the closet.
Lost shoes.
A library book I repeatedly assured the librarian over the phone had been returned ages ago (I had to call and apologize and return the book pronto!)
Chapstick
Receipts
My journal
Expired coupons
Unopened mail (nothing serious, thankfully!)
Photos
A piece of jewelry I've been hunting for since we returned from Christmas vacation (I was certain it had been lost on the trip!)
3 pacifiers in need of a trip through the dishwasher
Misc. pony tail holders, barrettes, clips, and headbands


It was quite the treasure trove of sorts, but mostly embarrassing because I've neglected our poor bedroom for so long. Now, there are clean, fresh sheets, dusted furniture, floors that have been swept and mopped, tidy bookshelves, and a lovely candle glowing and scenting the room. I can't wait to go to bed! I will feel like a queen...

Sometimes our hearts get this way, too, don't they? We are so busy as wives and moms that we forget to clean our own hearts regularly. We accumulate things that don't belong there: fear, guilt, pride, resentment, prejudice....the list could go on. That's why a daily time with God is important (I'm remembering!) It isn't about "feeling" something special. It's about spending time with Someone special: Jesus Christ! Many mornings, I've not felt particularly connected to God, but through the day, my mind recalls His Word or I see answer to my prayers--even the half-hearted ones. It develops intimacy with God. It helps frame my day. It gives me the correct lens to see things as He does.

So, spend some time today, tomorrow, every day for that matter in the Word. Even if you don't feel like it. Let God begin to clean your heart and fill it with His love.

Thank You, Lord, for a clean bedroom and the opportunity to have a clean heart whenever I choose. Thanks for reminding me that it really is my choice and that You are always willing to oblige. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

...and missing envelopes

Yesterday, it was the crashing mirror. Today--it was missing envelopes. Charlie couldn't find the valentine envelopes I wanted him to mail today so I had to get up and search for them. And, since I was already up and didn't want to disturb Samuel climbing back into bed (though it was so inviting!), I was able to spend time in the Word again.

Thanks, Lord, for employing a variety of ways to get me out of bed. Thanks for knowing me so well...knowing it takes a mountain to move me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Power Steering

Today has been...challenging. I want to say "bad," but I'm trying to work on that whole negative attitude thing.

Last night at Bible study, I asked my sisters to keep me accountable for my quiet time. I've been on auto-pilot for awhile and the effects of that are invading other areas of my life and affecting other people. As the alarm went off this morning, I (too) easily decided to turn it off and roll over to my pillow instead of getting up to pray and read my Bible as planned. Then I heard a crash from somewhere in the house. I jumped out of bed, thinking one of the girls had fallen out of bed or down the stairs. Fortunately, it was just the mirror over our bathroom sink that had fallen somehow. I got the message clearly though. "Okay, Lord, I'm coming. Let's talk this morning."

And, if you've ever found yourself in the dangerous position of coasting spiritually, you know the thoughts that come and go in your mind: I'm okay. I'm going to church and Bible study. I'm listening to praise music in the car. I'm praying with the kids at night. God understands that I'm a busy mom and I don't really have the energy to get up early in the morning. Those are dangerous thoughts because they put you in a defensive position, trying to justify your inactivity. It's far better to be on the offense--eagerly pressing into the Lord and all He has for you.

Anyway, I got my day started in the Word and prayer, though it wasn't a particularly energetic or motivated heart that was participating. Still, I had faith that God would meet me where I was and change me. Emma and Ruthie had piano lessons this morning, so after dropping them off, the younger two and I did the dreaded monthly trip to Wal-Mart and headed back to pick up the big girls. Halfway there, I heard a thump and then lost the power steering. Then the temperature light came on and the dash started flashing all sorts of warning lights and dinging at me. I pulled onto the berm to be safe and turned the van off so it wouldn't overheat. I knew we needed to get home, but I had to pick the girls up first. Olivia and I prayed that we would make it to the piano lesson teacher's house and our home safely. And we did. I have the sore biceps to prove it! Have you ever driven a car without power steering? It could be an Olympic event, I tell you. It was scary not knowing if I had enough strength to turn corners safely. Or, to think that if I had to swerve to avoid another car, I probably wouldn't be able to do it.

And once we were home and I had time to think about it, I realized that coasting spiritually is a lot like trying to drive without power steering. You can still drive the car, but it's hard. Really, really hard. And, if you drive your car very long without power steering, the battery doesn't receive a charge and your car will eventually die. Same thing with God. If you spend too much time trying to accomplish your own will and way, eventually you won't be in touch with the Ultimate Power Source. Too many days I've tried to steer my own ship, plot my own course, use the wisdom and mind God has given to me for my own selfish desires, instead of looking to Him and letting His power flow through me and navigate me safely through the day. It's a tough lesson, but one I'm thankful to learn and hopeful that it won't need repeating!

Thanks, Lord...for waking me up this morning. For Your Word. For safety on the road. For reminding me to let You guide and lead me. And for giving Charlie the wisdom to know how to easily repair the van for us. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

To-Do List For the Stay-At-Home Mom Of Four

I'm a list-maker most of the time and here is my (almost) complete list of things to do for today:
1. Read Bible
2. LAUNDRY
(by the way, these two are always on my list and always in this order!)
3. Find Hello Kitty socks for Olivia since she's been asking for them for a week now.
4. Brush teeth--mine and theirs!
5. Take shower
6. Sweep and mop kitchen floor so socks don't stick to grape jelly tracks in front of fridge!
7. Call Mom
8. School
9. Make menus for next week
10. Make dinner

I try to keep the list to ten items or less so I can feel like I can actually accomplish the entire list. However, with a super-crab for a son who is teething, teething, teething...we only got #4, #6 and #8 done today. Thankfully, we were invited to dinner by friends who need to eat up leftovers, the laundry can sit until tomorrow, the socks...well, we'll try again tomorrow, my Mom will understand if I don't call today, I have a couple more days to review my menu plan and make a grocery list, and maybe I can hop in the shower before we leave for dinner. It's not getting #1 done that makes this day feel so...well, so unproductive. I need to work on that.

Thanks, Lord, for being with me in this day. Please comfort Samuel and help me to see where there is more time in my day to spend with You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

8 Cents and a Hijacked Day

This weekend was supposed to be about simplifying. FINALLY, after almost a decade of marriage, my husband and I are on the same page concerning our house. We've both had the bug in years past to de-clutter and simplify our home, life, finances, etc. But the other spouse wasn't in the same place at the same time. So, we've done a fair amount of sorting and cleaning and re-organizing, but nothing like a whole-house overhaul. This year it's a different story. In trying to streamline our homeschool and life, we both came to the same conclusion: God is a God of order, not disorder. People are more important than things unless those things are getting in the way of people.

Saturday, we explained to the kids that we were planning a huge yard sale for the Spring and the money we earn will be used towards our vacation this summer. After shouts of joy and great celebration, we started working through our kitchen cabinets. When it was all said and done we had three completely empty cabinets, an empty drawer and six boxes of yard sale items. Amazing how much junk we were holding on to all these years...

Anyway, we were on a roll and in my mind, I was geared up for a marathon cleaning/organizing session that would last well into Sunday afternoon. Then the kids started dropping like flies, disappearing into other regions of the house where they mostly caused mayhem and confusion. Then it was time to make lunch. Then it was time to visit with friends...nurse the baby...go to the grocery...eat dinner...nurse the baby...give the kids a bath...nurse the baby... I felt like my day and my plans had been hijacked in a variety of ways. Plus, I was also questioning the wisdom of telling the kids about vacation plans that are six full months away. I mean, a lot can happen between now and then. Not to mention the fact that we are still paying for Samuel's surgery and hospital stay etc. etc. etc.

Then Emma comes downstairs out of breath and excited. "Mommy! Look what I found--money!" Eight cents. Eight whole cents to a seven year old is a lot like a hundred dollars to an adult. She has no concept of what vacations or cars or houses or even groceries cost. but she had found eight cents and she was ready to share it with the rest of the family. We found a mason jar and made it into our vacation jar and she made her deposit. So pleased with herself and sure that the Lord was going to follow through with not only the money, but also our plans to get away as a family this summer.

I stared at those eight cents through bleary, puffy eyes this morning, slowly sipping my hot tea. I smiled as I remembered the satisfied look on her face as she dropped those coins into the jar, trusting that the other coins would follow. I could feel the Holy Spirit reminding me that I should have the same faith. And, that I should let Him hijack my days more often. That I should look for they ways He is trying to truly simplify me...and my relationship with Him. It isn't complicated. He loves me. He's forgiven me. He wants me to live for Him. Simple. Beautiful.

Thanks, Lord, for Your gentle reminders to trust in You. Hijack my days and my life in anyway You see fit. I Jesus' Name, Amen.

Crying It Out

After our visit with the pediatrician yesterday, I came home to have the "crying it out" discussion with hubby. We've had this discussion thrice before (ooh, I love being able to use the word 'thrice') and each time, I've had to get over the heartbreaking idea of letting my babies cry themselves to sleep. Our babies love to beheld. I mean they LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. With Emma, we didn't make her cry it out until she was eight months old. I didn't have anyone else to take care of, so I didn't mind. My husband, on the other hand, felt I was letting her manipulate me. So, after three tortuous nights, she started falling asleep in her own bed, on her own. Ruthie was about 5 months old. Olivia--somewhere between 4-5 months.

But, Samuel is a different story for me. He spent so much of those first weeks of his life crying and I couldn't touch him or hold him or comfort him in any tangible way. When he cries, my instinct is to scoop him up and snuggle away whatever is bothering him. My husband bought him a shirt yesterday that says "Mama's Boy." Yep, that's him in a nutshell. Charlie has been wanting me to let him cry it out for a few weeks now and I kept insisting that he was too young. But, the pediatrician sided with hubby and informed me that he is at the perfect age to begin letting him comfort himself.

Sigh. It's the beginning of letting go. The beginning of teaching him to be independent of me, reliant on the Lord. And it aches. Oh, how it aches. I think because he is our last. Because I don't want to hurry any of these ages and stages along. I want to treasure even the middle of the night feedings, because when they are gone, they're gone for good. I can see now why the baby in every family is usually "babied." Everyone wants to hold on just a bit longer.

And so, I sit here typing this post while my son cries it out in the other room. My heart aches and I know in some ways, God is letting me cry it out, too. He's letting me learn to let go and let Him take control of these children. In His wisdom, He is showing me in so many ways that He is still here, but it's time to mature and move on. It's time to trust.

Thank You, Lord, for being here with me now. Please give comfort to Samuel and allow Him to rest. Help me to trust You with him and our girls. Thank You for wanting more for me, even when I really don't. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Just your ordinary, average kids

Two of the four of our kids had check-ups today. Both received clean bills of health, though Samuel needed five vaccinations (ouch!), so if he could express his feelings in words, I'm sure there would have been quite the objection. He settled for about 30 seconds of screaming, followed by vigorous nursing and is now sleeping off the whole ordeal. He's so easy to please.
Our pediatrician's words as we left went something like, "You should be thankful to have four ordinary, average, well-adjusted kids. I rarely see that in a family any more."
So, in this crazy world where we fall into believing the lie that our kids are somehow competing against our neighbor's kids in every department from athleticism to musical talent to reading ability to physical stature, I'm thankful to have average children. Not that I think they are average. Don't get me wrong. I think each of them are unique, special creations, hand crafted by God for His yet-unrevealed-purposes. But, none of them have learning disabilities that we are aware of. None of them have tragic childhood illnesses. They haven't been abused or ravaged by war. We aren't destitute. Most importantly, all of our children know they are loved...by us and by the Lord.
So, I'll take average and ordinary. Because average and ordinary today is really exceptional and extraordinary in this crazy world we live in.

Thank You, Lord, for the reminder today that we don't have to compare ourselves or our children to any standard or measure except that of Jesus Christ. And, that You make up the huge difference we lack in Your atoning grace and mercy. Thank You for each one of my extraordinary children...and for the extraordinary Love You show us all. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Intentional Christmas Traditions

We had Christmas traditions growing up. We always put the nativity set up first and put it away last. We always put the star or angel on the tree first and took it down last. My mom always made buckeyes (an entirely too delicious candy). We always had to search for the stockings because they were never put away where they were supposed to be. We always went to church on Christmas Eve. My mom always bought us an ornament or decoration--some of which adorn our tree today.

We have traditions in our family today, though we've just begun the process of creating them. We put our tree up Thanksgiving weekend. As we decorate the tree, we listen to Christmas music--our favorite is Bing Crosby. We don't celebrate Santa Claus (another post on that later). We always bake cookies together.

This year, wanting to be a little more intentional about our tradition-making, we borrowed some ideas from friends. My good friend Rachel and her husband shared with us how they made a list of people they wanted to pray for and chose a few names each night. I liked that idea and so this afternoon, Charlie and I asked Emma and Ruthie help us compile a list of names written on scraps of paper. After we finished, we placed the names in a box with a lid. Every night before we eat dinner, we will draw out a couple of slips and pray for those individuals or families. Also, we will spend some time talking about the things we appreciate about those people and ways that we are grateful they are in our lives. I love how enthusiastic our girls became for this project! Tonight, we prayed for my brother and my step-dad...two people I love very much and should pray for more often. It was good to spend time thinking about them as the evening wore on.

Another tradition we are creating this year is to attempt to eat as many dinners as possible by candlelight. We did this on Christmas Eve last year as we enjoyed our shepherd's stew and bread. I liked it so much that I wanted to do it more often this year. Tonight, we enjoyed our spaghetti and meatballs by the glow of candles. The magical part of the evening was that the girls didn't notice how many peas and carrots were on their plates, so they just kept eating them!!!

Lastly, a tradition we are beginning but will not complete until next year is our World Vision savings jar. World Vision is a Christian organization that uses resources to help impoverished families purchase animals and livestock to ease their suffering. The livestock are used to supplement the family budget, and often makes it possible for children to attend school instead of earning money. We started a jar for spare change and next Christmas we will use the money to purchase chickens or goats or a calf or whatever we can afford.

I'm sure that default traditions will develop...like Charlie spending at least an hour trying to get all the lights on the tree working. But it's these intentional Christmas traditions that give the Lord greater latitude to work His reasons for this season in us.

Thank You, Father, for Jesus. Amen.

The Down Swing

I've really hesitated to write much about our time with Samuel in the NICU after his birth. Part of the hesitation is naturally due to the lack of free time I have for all things blogging. I'm happy I've been able to post a few pictures and what not! I've also been so ecstatic just to have my family back together again. What a joy to have all my little chicks safely under wing. I seriously thought about hunkering down in the house for a good month--no phone, no Internet, no visitors...

But, perhaps my greatest cause for hesitation as I have mulled over how to share all that God has done in my heart and in our family through Samuel's birth and recovery has been my fear of re-visiting all the emotions of that month. And it was very emotional. When I took Samuel in for his check-up this past week, I felt a knot in my stomach as we passed the hospital. All the familiar landmarks caused a rush of memories to flood my mind. Images of my sweet boy hooked up to monitors and poked with tubes and wires and bandages and hoses; the smell of antiseptic foam; the distinct beeping noises of the monitors around his warmer. I didn't dwell on those thoughts, but they reminded me of how serious that time was and how difficult it was to walk through that valley.

While I am still rejoicing in the good health of our son and the reunion of our wonderful family, the last couple weeks I've found myself beginning to feel the "down swing" of life with a newborn. The sleepless nights; the horrible messiness of our house; the disconnected mealtimes; the difficulties of managing 4 separate individuals with individual needs. It's all wonderful, of course, but not at all easy. Samuel has colic that keeps him (and me!) awake through the night and the girls are all requiring more and more attention as we progress through our school year. Really, we are just experiencing (again!) the reality of adding another family member to the mix and navigating our way through those first months of finding the "new normal." And, I find myself really turning to the Lord for strength and renewal each day. He is so faithful!

I receive the newsletter for my parents' church and the pastor had written a brief exposition on the first page. It was an anecdotal piece about falling and I found the last paragraph to be so encouraging:

Our lives at all times are more at the mercy of the forces that act on us from the outside than we may be willing to admit. We are vulnerable as human beings--some of us more than others. At all moments our lives are also are in the hands of a Sovereign God who loves us dearly. We may find ourselves, at moments, feeling a bit helpless and have a realization that what is about to happen is going to hurt--and still be unable to change it. Out faith is Jesus Christ though gives you and me the assurance that God is with us before we fall, while we fall and after we fall to help us pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move forward. My prayer is that we can all feel secure and firmly grounded in the knowledge that we are SO loved by Jesus Christ.
Dwight McCormick II

Amen.

A Little Encouragement for the SAHM

I read Mrs. U fairly regularly and enjoy her posts so much. This quote on her blog was encouraging to me today:

The important thing about being home and having the responsibility of the family and the house, is not that others think it is okay, or that anyone approves, but that it is something that God gave us permission to do.

There are many days when the weight of what others think or the unsolicited opinion of another makes me wrestle with my position, my title, my choice. But, tonight as I tucked my girls into their beds, my heart was filled with gratitude to the Lord for allowing me the privilege of being home. Not only that, but I am grateful my husband desires for me to be here as well.

Motherhood is a calling, a privilege, a gift...Father, help me never forget what You have called me to do. Help me to love my husband and submit to his servant leadership. May I be a blessing to him always. Equip me to impart Your truth and wisdom to my children. May all who enter our home find comfort, peace, solace, grace, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, and, most importantly, LOVE. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Things Don't Always Go According to Plan...

***Updated to add: Our c-section has been scheduled for 11:00 AM Monday morning. Please pray for a smooth delivery as well as speedy recovery for all.

Well, at least not our own plans. They never stray from the Lord's plans, and I am so grateful He holds the details of the universe in the palm of His hand.

It seems that the time is drawing close for our son to be born. At this week's appointment, the doctor noted that he has more fluid in his abdomen. This is beginning to form an unsafe pattern and the end result could be a baby with ruptured intestines and severe complications. The doctor performed an amniocentesis to check the maturity of the baby's lungs. The results came back today, and although his lungs are borderline fully mature, all the doctors involved with this pregnancy agree that it is in his best interest to deliver him next week. The extra few days will most likely give his lungs the time they need to further develop and will also ensure that the entire team of medical personnel we will need will be on hand to help all of us. Unfortunately, the baby will be delivered via c-section--something I really didn't want. But, I am trusting the Lord that this, too, is part of His plan and that this will ultimately bring Him glory.

We are making plans to enjoy these last few days with our girls. They will have the opportunity to meet their little brother and visit with me after he is born, but will then be whisked off for spoiling at grandma's house. Depending on the recovery process for the baby, they could be gone for a few weeks. Even typing those words brings tears to my eyes. The hardest part of all of this has been choosing to put the welfare of one child over all the others. Choosing to be separated from those dearest to you in order to care for another one who simply needs more. Again, though, we are trusting that this, too, will bring glory to God and is all part of His glorious plan of redemption.

It will be quiet here until after our son is born. I want to spend my time with my family and preparing my heart for the joy of meeting and knowing our son. My sweet husband will post photos and details of the birth late next week. If you feel led, please keep our family in your prayers and know that those prayers don't just change us, they will change you, too.

Blessings to you all!
Jen

The Best Laid Plans

Last Fall, we inherited a freezer from Charlie's grandma. It was an answer to prayer as our old (I mean REALLY old!) freezer had died and was too small anyway. I love our "new" one as it is an upright freezer and so darn easy to organize. We put it out in our small garage temporarily until we could spend some time (and money) fixing up our mud room to accommodate our newest appliance.
A week ago, we returned home from my grandma's funeral to discover that our sweet little Penny didn't take too kindly to being left alone and had dug a nice, not-so-neat hole in one of our flower beds. It wouldn't have been more than a simple inconvenience had she not found the very spot where an electrical line is buried! The line is older and not covered by PVC or conduit of any kind. The Lord must want our cutie dog to live a bit longer because she managed to chew on the line and short it out without electrocuting herself! Charlie spent a couple of hours giving the line a temporary fix and covering the area with paving stones until we could decide how best to make a more permanent repair. Later that night, we realized that when the line shorted out, the electricity to the small garage was turned off and our freezer had been off for several hours. Fortunately, everything but the ice cream (Good-bye Ben. Good-bye Jerry.) was still frozen so we thanked God for alerting us so quickly.
Yesterday, I planned out our meals for the week and prepared our grocery list so Charlie and the girls could make a run to the store. I asked him to go out to the big freezer to retrieve some pork chops and ground beef so we could put them in the kitchen freezer. It was taking him awhile so I looked out the side door to see what was going on and found him staring into the freezer shaking his head. The electricity had shorted out again, but this time everything had defrosted. We were too late to salvage much of anything.
As we carted what we could save (some bags of frozen veggies and fruits) to the kitchen freezer, I thought about all the great deals we had made over the summer and how we had carefully stocked the freezer for the Fall and Winter months. Normally, I would wait a bit longer to stock up, but with a newborn on the horizon, I wanted to get a head start. I thought about how much hard earned money had been wasted and how long it would take to replace what was lost. I started to feel angry... especially when I spied "sweet" Penny happily munching on a bone!
It isn't as if we are going to go hungry. We will have plenty to eat, and I dare say, we'll even be able to re-stock the freezer over the course of time. The issue for me was that I had planned and carefully budgeted and calculated. That freezer full of food was a little insurance against rising food prices and the unpredictable financial future we're all facing right now. I felt cheated and defeated. Deep inside me, something started to stir and as I turned to talk to the Lord about it, my end of the conversation went something like this:
Lord, I don't know how to thank You in this situation. There isn't anything about this that I like. I know it's just food, but it isn't just food. There are a lot of things that aren't going according to plan right now. We just watched a good chunk of our grocery bill go down the tubes. It feels wasteful. I don't like being on bed rest. I have all these children to manage and it doesn't seem fair that we are all cooped up because of me. The house seems to be falling apart and I'm going stir crazy stuck inside all day! The medicine I'm on turns me into someone I don't like very well, and I am not enjoying the side effects at all. I don't mean to question Your authority, but I'm having a hard time seeing the blessing in all of this. I guess what I'm asking is where is Your plan to prosper us? How does all of this fit into Your best for us? This doesn't feel like Your best...
And, I felt the same way I do every time I have a venting prayer...small, whiny, selfish...your basic two year old on a tantrum. I apologized for my poor attitude and asked the Lord to just be with me in all that was going on and to make me willing to accomplish His will for me. That felt better and I was able to move forward with the day.
This morning, while Charlie and the girls were at church, I was still thinking over all that has been happening in our family the last two weeks when I found this:
The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; He makes the plans of the peoples of no effect. The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations. Psalm 33:10-11
It isn't that I think God didn't want us to fill our freezer with food for our family or make plans to enjoy our summer before our son in born, but He does want us to allow the plans of His heart to be the plans of ours. I don't know that we have stepped outside of His plans for us, but I do know that He is using this time of uncertainty to remind us to look to Him in all things. I am a planner by nature--by God's design--and that is a gift that I have often allowed God to use for His glory. On the other hand, there have been many times when I have abused that gift and used it for my own selfish purposes. I have to admit, that full freezer felt pretty secure. Would I have spent as much time praying over my coupons and grocery ads and grocery budget with the security of that full freezer? Would I have thanked God for His provision every time I opened that door to pull something out to eat? Would I have spent as much time praying for this baby if I had been allowed to spend the remainder of my pregnancy doing whatever I wanted? Would I have appreciated simple things like being able to pick up my children or tuck them in bed or prepare a meal for my family? I'd like to think that the answer to these questions would be "yes," but I hesitate because I know my own selfish, sinful nature.
So, in all of this, the best laid plans amount to nothing if they aren't the plans of the Lord. We must be willing to be flexible and willing to change our course when the Lord requires it of us. He is sovereign and in control and nothing happens that He doesn't know about or know how to handle. His counsel, His will, His plans...they do stand forever.

Lord, Thank You that by Your nature You are so patient and kind and forgiving. Thank You that You endure my ranting and venting. Forgive my stumbling and bumbling. Make me willing. Make me flexible. And in all things, remind me to give thanks. Thanks for all things. In Jesus' name. Amen.

A Much Needed Update...

I really haven't forsaken this space. We've just been so busy this summer; I haven't had much time to sit down and compose both myself and my thoughts! Due to a series of unexpected events, though, I have some wonderful free time for the next couple of days and hope to spend some time blogging and sharing what God is doing in our lives and hearts.

First, thanks to inspiration from Mrs. Pear's blog, I've added a little ticker on my side bar that shows how many days are left until the newest member of our family arrives. We've had several due dates tossed around, so I used the latest projected date and we'll all be nice and surprised if baby arrives a little earlier!

In June, I had the wonderful opportunity to visit my best friend, Sandy, and her husband, Don, in California. They've been married for five years and this is the first time I've been to visit them in their beautiful home and city and state. We had a great time sight-seeing, eating ice cream, walking on the beach, eating ice cream, lounging around the jacuzzi, and-did I mention?-eating ice cream. It was just the recipe for a busy, pregnant, tired and burned out mama! Plus the time we spent catching up was awesome!

(Sandy and Don at the Point Loma Light House)

Shortly after I returned from vacation, we hosted our little friends Henry and Harmony for a few days while their parents escaped south of the border for a much deserved siesta! We played and played and played while they were here. The kids attended a VBS program through the week, caught lightening bugs and told stories in the tent and ate microwaved s'mores at sunset. It was a great time for everyone!

(The kids posing at VBS!)

The week of July 4th, Charlie's brother, Kevin, came to visit for the holiday and to help us celebrate little Ruthie's 5th birthday. We made a trip to the water park as well as several other fun activities. We celebrated Ruthie's birthday with all of our extended family and I was, again, reminded of what a treasure and miracle she really is! (Ruthie blowing out the candles on her blueberry lemon cupcakes!)

After Ruthie's party concluded, my niece, Lilly Marie, stayed with us for a few days. She is 17 months old and an utter delight! My girls had the best time entertaining her and helping me take care of her. It was also a "trial run" with four little ones tearing around the house! It's going to be fun, but very, very busy! (Little Lilly enjoying some water fun in the back yard!)

So, that catches us up to this current week. All was going as planned. Lilly was here with us, having fun, keeping my kids entertained. I was planning to take all four girls to my folks' house in Ohio for a quick visit from Wednesday through Friday. Lilly's parents were eager to have her returned to them and I thought a visit with Grammie was in order as well. We took all four girls out for supper Tuesday evening and in the midst of dinner, I started having contractions. They were strong, long and breath-taking...real, labor contractions. I drank several glasses of water through dinner (silently praying for the ebb and flow of my uterus to halt). When we got home, I tried walking around, sitting, lying down...every trick they teach you to try to get contractions to stop. Nothing worked. I called the OB doctor on call and he ordered me to the hospital to be checked out. I tried arguing my way out of his instructions, rationalizing that we have other children and my niece to take care of etc. etc. He said it wasn't an emergency, but we needed to make arrangements for the girls and get to the hospital.

We called our friends to ask if they might possibly be available to help us if we needed someone to sit with the kids (I was still in denial about needing to have medical attention!). Before I knew what was happening, Ann was in our living room shooing us out the door, insisting that we should go. Charlie put my shoes on me, grabbed a few things we might need and put me in the car. All the way to the hospital, I kept thinking that the contractions were going to dissipate, that we were probably making a mountain out of a mole hill. Forty-five minutes later, I was being admitted to the hospital with pre-term labor and orders that I would indeed be spending at least one night at the hospital.

After some speedy lab work, cultures and an exam, it was determined that I was in the early stages of labor and the culprit was a massive bacterial infection in my urinary tract, bladder, uterus and kidneys. The doctor was in shock that I wasn't in any pain from the infection...I was in shock that I was actually that sick and had no symptoms! They ordered lots of IV antibiotics and fluids and we all crossed our fingers that the meds would take care of the problem in short order.

I labored with contractions all evening and in the wee hours of the morning, it was determined that another course of action was required. I had dilated just enough that the doctor didn't want to take any chances with the baby. He ordered steroids to develop the baby's lungs, more antibiotics and meds to try to get my uterus to stop contracting. The first round of meds didn't do the trick, so they then administered a whopper does of magnesium to my system. A magnesium bolus acts like a "reset" button for your muscles, so the hope was my uterus would respond and stop contracting.

Finally, after a long night and day, and another long night, my body responded well to the various medications, treatments, and more importantly, I believe, the prayers of many, many people. The contractions stopped, the infection began to clear and my body began to slowly mend. The released us from the hospital this afternoon and I am enjoying the undeserved favor God has bestowed on us.

While we were in the hospital, anxious over my health and the health of our baby, another ultrasound was ordered. As a result of that ultrasound, we discovered that we are having a.....baby boy!!! It was such a blessed surprise for us and I know this little one will be a blessing to us all!

I came home this afternoon to an immaculate house; laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away; dishes washed; beds made; floors swept...what a treat! Thanks to Charlie and our friend Pat for helping with that huge project! Also, the girls were whisked off to my folks' house where they are being well taken care of by my mom and sister-in-law as we speak. Thanks, Mom and Liz, for being so willing to serve us in this way! Finally, thank you to all my sisters in Christ who have come alongside us this week to minister to us in a variety of ways. From cards, to books, to meals, to babysitting, to phone calls and prayers. You all are a beautiful part of the body of Christ!

Thank You, Lord for the many ways You have been before us, behind us, on every side. I praise You for the ways You have been glorified in our weaknesses. Thank You for a believing doctor and nurses and for being able to pray with them. Thank You for the body of Christ who has been ministering so faithfully to us this week. Thank You for making me sit still and showing me that I need to wait on You and Your plans for my life. Thank You for a servant-husband who has been diligently caring for me and the girls selflessly all week. And, thank You for this little boy--I don't know what to do with a boy but trust You will show me the joys of knowing and raising a man! In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Organic VS Non-Organic Food Buying

Oh boy, I am so not into posting anything educational about much of anything except the Word of God (and even at that, some of you might wonder how 'educational' those posts are, too!). When I read this post, though, I had to post a link.
Being the mom that I am, I often struggle when food shopping. There is the constant war between our budget and nutritional standards. While it would be nice to put three servings of vegetables, plus a fruit, a whole grain, and a low-fat, free-range, protein on the table for each meal, we eat tuna casserole and fish sticks on a regular basis. I do like to make my own bread, but I'm not going to invest in a grain mill or order wheat berries when I know that with almost four children, a busy husband, ministry opportunities beating the door down, and a hectic home school schedule, I would be lucky to use the mill once or twice and bread baking would turn into a chore instead of a fun part of our week.
Reading this post about the "differences" between organic and non-organic foods somehow gave me some peace. I will continue to try to buy conscientiously, within our budget, supporting local growers when I can, feeding my children the best we can afford, leaving the rest in the Lord's hands.

If...

If bread dough somehow makes its' way into your washer and also into your dryer, you will have sheets and pillowcases glued together. And, the bread dough can't be removed.

If you get distracted and forget to put the toothpaste away in the children's bathroom, you will return to find the mirror, sink, window, and toilet seat decorated with dried-on-tough-to-scrape-off-bubble-gum-scented toothpaste.

If you take your three small children, one large dog and one small dog on a walk, one of them is going to run away. And, if that "one of them" is the beloved favorite family pet, you will then have three crying, wailing children and a long chase that ensues.

If you read "Hansel and Gretel" before going to the grocery store and then hand out snacks to keep little hands and mouths busy through the store, eventually a grocery store employee will ask you to please put away the peanuts and raisins because you have left a trail six aisles behind you.

If your two year old tells people she has a baby in her tummy and that her father (she means "God-her Father") put it there, people will give you dirty looks.

If you teach your oldest child to use the telephone for emergency purposes, "emergency" will come to be defined in her mind as anything that crosses her mind as a reason to pick up said telephone, including calling her best friend to ask her what color socks she is wearing while you are taking a shower.

It's been an interesting week!

Thank You, Lord for even the interesting moments. Thank You for granting me both patience and a sense of humor, though I don't always recognize them instantly. Forgive me for the times I've sighed or been cross or rolled my eyes this week. Help me to appreciate the sweetness of wee ones underfoot and overhead and in my lap and under my skin. Help me to love them the way You do. In Jesus' Name, Amen.