Wednesday, April 4, 2007

The Way He Shows Me His Love

Lately, I've had more than a few trying days. It seems like my days and nights and meals and laundry and runny noses and teary eyes and overflowing toilets and empty milk jugs and bruised knees and bruised feelings are all running together into one big, blurry, chaotic whirlwind. In fact, yesterday, I likened it to trying to clean in the middle of a tornado! As I was fixing lunch today, I had a little meltdown at my kitchen sink. The new puppy was yipping to be fed, the baby was happily unfolding two full baskets of fresh laundry, the older two were chasing each other around the dining room table and distracted, I accidentally threw my own lunch down the disposal instead of setting it aside to eat later. I was tired. Tired of cleaning and cajoling and diapering and disciplining and washing and waiting and sweeping and sighing. I was hungry. Hungry for my lunch but also hungry for these lean times to be over. Hungry for God's Word which had been pushed to the side too early, too many days in a row. Hungry for the Holy Spirit to fill me and overflow into our very home and family.

Charlie walked in for his lunch break and caught me kneeling in front of the sink, crying. I quickly stood up and began to wash dishes, trying not to let him notice that I was upset. He asked me if everything was okay and I tried to keep the reservoir of emotions contained, but a crack in my walls had formed and it only took a few moments for the torrent of feelings to spill over. He hugged me gently and just let me cry a bit (he's good at that) and then invited me to go upstairs and take a nap. I argued that I still had laundry to do and supper to prepare and the dog to feed and...and... He let me make my list and then waited for me to go take a break. I went to my favorite chair in the living room and collapsed. I cried a few more tears and closed my eyes.

"Daddy, I don't know what to do. I'm so tired and overwhelmed. I don't think I can go on today. I know they are all counting on me to be there for them, to take care of things. All I want to do is escape. I want to rest. I want to sleep through the night. I want to eat a hot meal. I want to take a long, hot shower. I want to soak up Your Word without interruption or delay. There are so many things I want and can't seem to have today. I need You. Please help me..."

After Charlie returned to work and I put the girls (and dog) down for naps, I decided to make this list:

The Way He Shows Me His Love
With every sunrise and every sunset--He promises both a new day and an end to the one I'm living.
In my daughters' eyes--their unconditional love for me.
Through the faithfulness of my husband, in his reassuring embrace and his gentle touch.
In every breath I take--a promise to sustain me and keep me, hold me and carry me.
In the love of friends and family.
In the opportunities He has blessed me with the opportunity to serve others.
Through His Word which consistently shows me His faithful reaching out to me and His promise of a future with Him.
By the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, helping me discern right from wrong (and up from down!).
With every step I take--He is right there with me, cheering me on, encouraging me, strengthening me, guiding me, comforting me.
In His character which is perfect and strong and right and true and, most of all, LOVE.

Thank You, Holy Father, for reminding me that You are right here with me in the middle of my day, in the middle of my fire, in the very center of the hurricane going on. Thank You for loving me the way I need to be loved today. Thank You for Jesus, who is my example of the suffering--but not complaining--servant. Thank You for my husband and my home and my children and my dog and my laundry and dishes and clutter and chaos. Without them, I would be doing far less than You have made me to do. I know that You made this very day and You already know the details of it. I thank You for each of those details, knowing that they come from You. I am thankful for each and every one and ask You to continue to polish my rough areas. Give me Your strength and help me to love the way You love--completely. I praise You, Lord. Amen.